Published on Aug 26, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic Parents | Secrets To Happy Family
Parents are the most important contributors to our progress, who influence our mental, physical, social, financial, and career growth. Parents are the most precious gift to us given by God, and they assist us in our lives and have rigorously prepared us to meet future problems.
However, some children might have tough family time if they have toxic parents. You need to be careful about your mental health if you are the one having toxic parent. Read further to get ideas on how to deal with toxic parents if you have one.
What does it mean to have a Toxic Parent?
To be clear, the phrase "toxic parent" is not a medical phrase nor a well-defined notion. When people talk about toxic people, they usually refer to parents who routinely act in ways that make their children feel guilty, afraid, or obligated.
Their behaviors aren't one-off occurrences but rather a behavior pattern that has a detrimental impact on their child's life.
Parents are, after all, human beings. That implies, even if unintentionally, they're more likely to make errors, shout excessively, or do things that can potentially harm their children. On the other side, their instinct is to improve and remedy the situation.
On the other hand, a toxic parent is more concerned with their demands than whether what they're doing is detrimental.
They're unlikely to apologize or even admit that they're doing something wrong. And the maltreatment or neglect is usually persistent or escalating. Once you understand what it means, you need to learn how to deal with toxic parents.
Characteristics of Toxic Parents
Parents who demonstrate one or more of the following qualities are described as "toxic parents."
- Self-centered behaviors
When it comes to things you need, your parents may be emotionally unavailable, egotistical, or indifferent. It may seem that every circumstance revolves around the same question: "What about ME?"
- Physically and verbally abusive
Physical violence, screaming, threats, or something apparent aren't always considered abuse. Name-calling, shifting blame, silent treatment, or gaslighting are examples of more subtle types of abuse.
There are different things that toxic parents say to their children that may harm their children mentally and their relationships for a long time.
- Controlling behaviors
Toxic people may intrude on your privacy or refuse to let you make your own choices. Or perhaps, even as an adult, they are unduly judgmental and controlling of your judgments.
- Manipulative behaviors
Your parents may attempt to control you by instilling guilt or shame in you. Toxic people may manipulate their children by using time, money, and other items as pawns.
- Lack of boundaries
Toxic people are notorious for insisting on getting their way. You may surrender to thoughts or circumstances when their approaches wear you down due to exhaustion or frustration.
What are the Consequences of Having a Toxic Parent?
The family has a significant impact on a person's feeling of self-worth, perception of and trust in others, and general worldview, in whatever form it takes. It is, in essence, the foundation for how you see and interact with the people, places, and things around you.
If you've been exposed to toxicity, it may be therapeutic or even freeing to admit that many of the behaviors you've picked up are poisonous. You may have believed that the bad things that happened to you as a kid were "normal."
For instance, you may have been beaten or abused but dismissed it as a spanking. Your parents may have neglected you horribly, but you justified it by blaming it on your parents' hectic schedules.
If you grew up with a toxic parent as a role model, you might feel doomed as a parent. Hence, you need to deal with toxic parents before you become one.
How can you stop history from repeating itself?
There's some positive news to report. Learned habits may be unlearned and adjusted with little effort. This isn't a manageable undertaking, but acknowledging that your surroundings shaped you is the first step.
You won't change until you recognize and embrace the factors that have shaped your actions.
How to Deal with Toxic Parents
While you can't control what other people do, you can limit your interactions with toxic people by setting boundaries. It can also help you regain control and feel empowered in circumstances where you previously felt helpless.
The situation is overly critical if you are surrounded by toxic people and cannot stop them from being verbally abusive and making you feel guilty or emotionally abused. Your parents may still affect or overwhelm you as an adult child.
You can even feel like you're waiting for someone to permit you to leave that control.
The truth is, you are the only one who can permit yourself, and you are the one who has the power to alter and reclaim your life. And you can get started right now by establishing a plan. These are some tips to deal with toxic parents.
One of the best ways to deal with toxic parents is by setting boundaries. A boundary is just an invisible line that no one can cross around you, and this might be a physical or psychological issue. And you have complete control over setting boundaries and measuring that line.
Two ways to set boundaries are:
- Be straightforward with the limitations you define
"When I look at toxic family structures, one thing I see is that the children are more sensitive to the demands of the parents." The conventional parent-child relationship has been reversed, and there is confusion regarding setting boundaries.
For example, a parent may have a poisonous relationship with their co-parent or spouse and dispute in front of the children rather than dealing with it privately.
As a result, it tends to immerse children in the parental discourse, which is a highly improper and overly critical situation in toxic families, and that's when children start to take on more parental side responsibilities.
Toxic people are typically consumed by their problems, emotional roller coasters, or addictions, and as a result, their children never learn to be themselves. They are constantly looking for ways to deal with toxic parents, which are very adverse effects of toxic people.
- Make communication about setting boundaries clear and consistent.
For so many of us, the challenging component for children in these settings is that we may begin to emulate the dysfunction that we're seeing. As a result, it's vital to start spotting harmful behaviors early on and diverting the conversation wherever possible.
You may do this by simulating the type of behavior and constraints you wish to see in place. You may provide some emotional validation by saying something like, "Okay, Mom, I see it; this is incredibly difficult for you," as recommended. "Right now, I'm quite irritated."
So you support their thoughts, and then you focus on your experience. In this approach, you're expressing that you're agitated and worried and that you need a break from the talk. Prepare your responses ahead of time so you can repeat them like a mantra to yourself.
"Even if the parent does not respect the limits, it is better for you as a child to repeat the broken record mantra than to follow them into their dysfunction."
2. Stop trying to please them
It's normal to want your parents to welcome you, but toxic people are notoriously tough to please. Don’t be hard on yourself. It's your life, after all, and you have the freedom to make your own choices and do what makes you happy.
If you conduct your life according to the goals and objectives of others, you will constantly be unsatisfied. And if you spend your life trying to please your parents, you'll end up as their prisoner, always seeking affirmation and affection from people who aren't likely to offer it to you.
When you give your parents this kind of authority, you're allowing them to judge your self-worth and tell you whether you're clever, successful, a good parent, or a decent person.
3. Don't try to change them
Trying to change those who don't want to change is a waste of time and energy (and will leave you extremely frustrated). Instead, focus on the areas of your life that you have control over, such as how you respond to your parents, your decisions, and your behaviors.
4. Be mindful of what you share with them
Healthy relationships need trust, and we should only share personal information with those we have already proven to be trustworthy.
Unfortunately, your parents may not fall into this category if they gossip about you, criticize you, expose personal information about you without your consent, or use what you tell them against you.
You are not required to tell them everything (or anything) about your life or to respond to their queries. Only share what makes you feel at ease and secure.
5. Know your parent's limitations and work around them — but only if you want to
I know many adult children of alcoholics who acknowledge that they can't stop their parents from drinking. After a specific time of day, their parents become forgetful, angry, or otherwise problematic (when they are intoxicated). As a result, it becomes tough to deal with toxic parents.
As a result, they schedule their phone calls, visits, and family gatherings for earlier in the day to escape their parents' worst behavior. This is a functional coping approach for some people, but you don't have to structure your life around your parents. Workaround their limits only if they are beneficial to you.
It's perfectly okay to hold your birthday celebration in the evening and not invite your parents since you don't want them to ruin the occasion. Remember that you have options and are not required to justify them to your parents.
6. Always have an exit strategy
When things start to go wrong, use it as a hint to go (or ask your parents to leave). You may have to do something contradictory to what your parents expect.
It's almost sure that things will only get worse (they'll drink more, get angrier, and more obstinate). As a result, it's better to call it a day at the first hint of problems. You are not required to stay solely to please your parents or be courteous. So, it is important to have an exit strategy.
7. Don't try to reason with them
You can't reason with someone unreasonable, emotionally immature, or drunk, so don't waste your time attempting to persuade them to see your side of the story.
For informational purposes, I would like to add that accepting that you won't have a healthy and mature relationship with them because they are closed-minded or lack empathy can be sad and frustrating.
Be forceful about essential subjects, but don't expect your parents to care or comprehend your viewpoint. Avoid getting sucked into power struggles or disputes that devolve into harsh name-calling and other rude actions and living in a toxic environment.
As I previously stated, you are not required to attend every dispute you are asked for. Instead, choose to withdraw.
8. You don't have to be at your parents' beck and call
This is an essential form of boundary. If you don't say no to their unreasonable requests, toxic people will continue to take them. You can assist them if possible and appreciate them, but you are not bound to be their chauffeur, maid, gardener, or therapist, mainly if they treat you like dirt the entire time.
You also don't have to be their errand boy, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You're also not obligated to answer their calls or respond to their texts right away.
9. You don't have to be spending the holidays with your parents
That's correct! You have earned the right to enjoy the holidays, which may entail spending them away from your parents. There is a lot of pressure in some families to keep family traditions alive, but this frequently comes at the price of your pleasure and peace of mind.
This is an excellent time to start your own Christmas traditions or experiment with your holiday expenditures and stay away from toxic people who are verbally abusive. Perhaps you'd want to have a Friendsgiving party or go on a vacation around the holidays.
And you should not be feeling guilty and telling yourself you are doing anything wrong. You have to practice self care and stay away from toxic environments where you are emotionally abused. You don’t need to be spending the holidays with your parents if you find them toxic.
10. Take care of yourself
To deal with toxic parents is exhausting, and the stress hurts your mental and physical well-being. It would help if you took special care of yourself.
Please start with the fundamentals, such as eating well, getting enough rest and sleep, exercising, connecting with positive people, identifying your feelings, providing a healthy outlet for them, receiving support, and having fun.
Go for a permanent solution despite looking for an artificial solution. When you're physically and emotionally abused at your best, it'll be simpler to set boundaries, and respond differently.
To Sum Up
Changing your relationship with toxic people might be daunting since it will disrupt the status quo! It's only standard for your parents to oppose whatever changes you try to make.
Transitions are challenging and stressful, but establishing boundaries with your parents is the first step in releasing yourself from their poisonous energy and expectations. I hope the blog provides you different ways on how to deal with toxic parents.
You are the only one who has the power to alter your connection with your parents, and you can begin right now! What is one tiny move you can do now to reclaim your life?
Learn about the 9 Reasons Parental Controls Are Critical for Your Family to help build healthy relationships among parents and children. We have the most effective parental control system for keeping your children safe online.
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